Make it.

Part of me is getting really angry.
Fuming, actually.
Then another part is so relieved to not feel so anguished.
There is nothing more agonizing than losing respect for someone.
And another part is grossed out.
And then another part is so excited.

Basically I have too many feelings and my brain is like FUCK THIS NOISE.


So i'm just going with apathy because this whole curse of authenticity thing is too much for me right now.

I have too much to do.

On a lighter note I have my November internship confirmed and I am so excited to go back and blow minds because my self-doubt can go and fuck itself. Thats another feeling all my doubts, doubts about the future and my career have disappeared. *poof* gone. I'm exactly where I want and need to be. Bring on more people like me, the intelligent, ambitious, silly and over sensitive.
I know most of them won't be, but i caught glimpses of those that were.

Sometimes, I wish I was better at lying to myself for the short term.
You know the whole: "fake it till you make it."
I never have been.
I never will be.

The fact of the matter is:

I'll make it, because I don't fake it.

Open

I feel like the great big wooden door to my future has unlocked itself.

I feel suffocated by a mix of reliefexcitementdetermination.

There's this little voice saying: "Open me. I'm ready when you are. Leave it behind. "

I'm opening it.

Santi.

Well are you with them, if not let it go
You're either going to rock the boat,
Or have what they're handing out
Now you're somewhere remote
They think you got a wire broke
But what you hashing up?
Something that you wrote
Is going to make a good lifeboat
Asylum for the torn
A rumbling below
Said if not now you'll never go 
So while we wait it out

- God from the machine, Santigold.

Here's another favourite:

I love them so much. They are all beautiful and different. Fresh breath of air.

Obsessed.

Appropriate and pretty, petty, pity.

Wave.

Waiting for the wave to hit me full frontal in the face.
Hasn't arrived yet.

Don't think it's going to.
Awesome.


I may not have a million friends,
I can count the real ones on one hand.
The real, I would die for you ones.


Thank you for accepting me,



I fucking love you.


(Dramatic poetic license over and out.)


Heres an awesome song that makes me happy.

Also look out for Lakutis, he is delicious.
In that fucked up unexpected white rapper kind of way.

Spending my night transferring shit to lino.
Perfect time for mindless creativity and rap.
Because well i'm a white girl that loves the shit out of good rap,
especially from cutey's like Aleksey Weintraub.

Unutterable

New post. New life.

I'm nearly finished.

I'm unbelievably excited.

I took all my Future-fear and stuffed it in a box on my shelf. I'll combat it when I have to.

I feel like I'm being suffocated by being able to really breathe for the first time in ages.

Contradiction? no?

I'm busy with my year long creative project and as per usual I've punished myself by           overextending myself, unbelievably so. 

But I'll never stop pushing myself. 

Never. 

I want to know everything 

and do everything

and feel everything. 

I'm making my first personal book. 

It is titled Unutterable.

unutterable |ˌənˈətərəbəl|

adjective

Too great, intense, or awful to describe. 
It is a compilation of all the horrible things I think, which are many. You know with me being a self-hating misanthropic bitch and all.
(that was a joke)

However, don't we all do it? Those in-the-moment horrible little things That instinctively pop to mind about other people or ourselves.Yes we all do and if you answered no...Well, then you're a liar.


I wrote hundreds, hundreds bordering on thousands of them. It was the most cathartic thing I have ever done.
I spilt my

on the page.

Now that I've written them and put them into some sort of layout...it is time to get carving.
Yes, I just said carving. Each page is going to be an individual Lino-cut.Then individually printed. Then bound into a book.So I have 50 transfers and then carvings to do.  No, not just carving out the letters.I'm carving out the negative space around the letters.
This is going to be a long road. I have until the 15th of October to have my book and installation done and dusted. Not to mention all the other wonderful things I have to do in between.

Thank goodness a wealth of time recently opened itself up.
Here are some pictures I like, to make this post non-word-nerd-friendly.

Kisses and shit!